When I was younger, I used to massively worry about my body image. I always felt like the “fat friend”, even though I know I’m not fat. But society made me think I was.
I am a UK size 14 woman, and I am curvy, with an hourglass figure which I have slowly but surely learnt to love. I used my hide myself under size XXL jumpers and unflattering jeans. I was too anxious to walk outside in the clothes I loved and have seen my favourite influencers wear. I lived in a little village in the middle of nowhere, and grew up in the countryside where wearing tweed jackets and hunter wellies were the norm. There was no occasion to dress up and wear make up, no outside expectations to be a size small and have blonde hair and be perfect. But the older I got, my anxiety grew and grew. I would go out on the train with my friends to Cardiff for the day, and saw these perfect girls with perfect bodies and perfect hairs, walking around, and that’s who I thought I wanted to be.
In group photos, I used to zoom into myself and see double chin, chubby stomach, thick thighs, frizzy hair, spots. I never saw any good in myself, ever. Would go home crying because I just wanted to be pretty. I would never walk out the door without a full face of makeup on. So much so that once when talking to my mum, she said “I know when you’re feeling low, when you walk out the house with no make up on”. It hit home. Even my relationships with guys would be affected because I craved compliments from them all the time and never felt good enough to be with them.
The moment of realisation was only fairly recently. I broke off a very serious relationship with my boyfriend (and my first love). I had known him for 6 years and he broke my heart, so I left. It was hard, I spent so many nights crying, and wondering why I wasn’t ever good enough for him. When we broke up, I packed my suitcases and went out to Italy for 3 months, and I began my journey to loving myself. Spending every day in a bikini and mini dresses, and actually feeling really good. After that, and moving into the city, I started to buy clothes that I wanted to wear, expressing myself through my clothes. I started to not care what people thought, and the more I looked round when I walked down the street, people weren’t staring at me, and it was nice. I felt comfortable. Over time I went down a dress size, got into a relationship where he looks at me like I’m the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen, and learnt to love my curves. There are some days where I can’t look in a mirror without crying, but there are also days where I am strutting around university in my sunflower flares, living my best life.
Anna Mercer - Fashion Blog 